To say this was an impulsive decision is an understatement.
I found out about the race on Wednesday, signed up for it on Thursday, and raced on Saturday of the same week! I had absolutely no idea which of the 17 categories to register myself for, and ended up just going for the only one that was for women aged 35 and older (interestingly, they only had a 50 and older category for the men).
Do you sometimes find yourself just wanting to throw in the towel when it comes to your relationship?
Learn how Rori Raye bounced back from the brink of divorce and built a thriving, passionate marriage.
Darcy Luoma (00:01):
Hello, everybody and welcome. Happy Thoughtfully Fit Thursday. I’m Darcy Louma and I’m really excited today for my guest, Rori Raye. Thank you for being here with us to share about her wisdom. She is phenomenal. We’re going to talk about how to overcome obstacles in your love life. As you know, in the Thoughtfully Fit model, endurance is all about overcoming obstacles, and we’re going to take a specific look at relationships. Rori, maybe you could just start out by telling us about how you became a relationship coach and what your passion is.
Rori Raye (00:44):
Well, it’s a lot. Darcy, it’s lovely being with you, right off the bat. I just love your energy. Me, my story is, I was a crumb taker, a people pleaser, a totally mechanical, completely shut down woman, almost a entire life. I was an actress also. That’s a hard, emotional place to be if you want to be an actress. But I was funny, I was cute. I actually worked a lot, did a lot of commercials. But men? I would accept abuse in the form of neglect. Make sense? Neglect is a form of abuse. I was actually grateful if they wanted to have sex with me. It was crazy. I don’t know how I ended up with such minuscule self-esteem and such a misguided idea of what relationship is and what sex should have been for me, which is wonderful. I shouldn’t have needed to connect permanently with a man just because I wanted to sleep with him. So many things have come up since.
Rori Raye (01:56):
One day, I woke up. It was around the time when I met my now wonderful husband. You might knew of him. He’s a brilliant coach as well, and we do a lot of stuff together. He wanted me, and he wasn’t my type. There was nothing about him I was interested in. He was boring. He was cute, he was boring, and I realized that I had been chasing all these ridiculously unavailable men on every level of unavailability. I found them, and I kept them around. But, I pushed him away instinctively. Then I realized, “Whoa, I really have to figure this out.” I kept dating him and dating him. And then I got more involved with him. I slept with him. Then I fell in love with him because I got that connection. Everything got great because I had figured out how to circular date, which is one of my big ideas. Circular date, just before I met him. I think that’s what brought him in. I was open for the first time, instead of just stuck in this girlfriend idea, this trap.
Rori Raye (03:10):
Over the years, I went back into my old crumb taking and things got bad and there was no sex and no affection, it was like, “What happened?” So we can talk about endurance here. And then I figured it out. I figured out what I was doing, which is essentially what I call overfunctioning. I was overthinking. I was in my masculine energy, which was a concept just beginning around that time. There’s a history to the feminine energy words, concept, going way back. I credit Shirley Luthman and Shakti Gawain and Pat Allen and me, who stepped in because I understood that I was supposed to be in my feminine energy, but I had no idea what that felt like or meant or what it looked like. Did not see the do’s, the how’s. I worked that out for myself and my marriage has completely turned around in days. And it’s been like that ever since.
Rori Raye (04:07):
It just keeps growing and growing, All of my clients, and now my readers, and everyone who watches my programs, gets it real quick. It happens right away when you switch from masculine head energy into feminine, experience energy. I want to tell you, it works in business also. Because I have a whole business arm called the business siren, which is about how to get up in front of the room. How to want to get to the front of the room. Remember the book, Lean In? She got pilloried for that, because, for so many reasons. But she was right. We hold ourselves back because we think we have to suit up like men in order to get in front of the room. That’s not how it works at all.
Darcy Luoma (04:55):
There is so much here. I think we need to stay on for three hours. So let me just name my first. Okay. You just mentioned siren. I’m curious if you can share what is a modern siren? And I love that you’re looking at not only relationship and the feminine, masculine energy in your relationships, and how do you bring that to business?
Rori Raye (05:15):
Okay. A lot. Well, I was looking for, at the time, some kind of metaphor. Everything I was doing at the time was a metaphor. All of my mindfulness. All of this stuff is out there. Everybody says stuff, but it’s so general. It’s just so general. What I was interested in, because I was an actress, right. And I was also a director. I also directed kids and grownups. The idea of actually, how do you get into that space? That space? That feminine space? That intuitive space? That open space? That emotional space? I needed a metaphor for it. Goddess and all those things, much used. although so many of the coaches that I train, we use them, but in different ways. And the idea of what the sirens are [inaudible 00:06:14] legend. The guys in the ship roar through the through the canals and the ocean, and then the sirens on the siren island sing. And they’re grotesque. And they’re magical. And they have fins and they have wings. They transfix the sailors. They crash the boat. They jump onto the rock and the sirens eat them.
Rori Raye (06:39):
Well, I said, “That’s an interesting legend told and invented by men about how women are man eaters.” Right? I thought, “Let’s redo that.” So for me, the sirens are singing and playing on their island. You have a song. We all have our own inner self song that attracts everyone to us who is on the frequency we’re on, or is attracted to our frequency. All of a sudden, if we recognize our song, forget the concept of self-esteem, yeah, you got a song, you got a frequency, you got a melody, you know you do. It’s just, we don’t know what to do to express it. So that’s what I want to work with on you. That’s what my whole program is. How do you express that? And they sing and sing and sing, and the men come and crash their boats, climb up, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Darcy Luoma (07:34):
On your website … oh, sorry to interrupt. You just sparked something. You talk about how to attract Mr. Right and feels like there’s something here around your song and singing your song. What is that?
Rori Raye (07:45):
You’re a great interviewer, Darcy. You’re great. Well, you’re going to attract Mr. Right. There are hundreds and hundreds and thousands of Mr. Rights for you out there. Don’t think there’s just one. The whole soulmate idea and twin flame idea, there can be many, really. There are many ways to look at that. But there are so many. What you need is a partner. You need a man who is capable and has the ability and the agility, I love that word, I use it, to actually want to work with you. Just like a business partner, doesn’t sit around and go like that. Right? So why should your romantic partner sit around and go like that? No. You want to look for a man who subscribes to the happy wife, happy life, idea. In other words, your happiness is his happiness. Your happiness is what he wants. Right?
Rori Raye (08:42):
That’s what you’re looking for. The problem is, most of us go-getter women are not attracted to those men. They come after us all the time, but we push them aside and go for the guys who are completely have their noses in the air, and don’t have the ability. Who have narcissistic tendencies, or just simply do not understand how to work a relationship/partnership. And who don’t love, respect, and just get the chills from the main feminine energy quality, which is emotion. So we have been trained our whole lives now, our generation, to be like men, to be emotionless. Now, as men are getting softer and allowing themselves to cry in public and being more emotional, we’re doing the opposite. We’re still wearing suits. We’re still showing up with pointers and telling people how to do things. And we have trouble in managerial situations because we feel we need to be a boss somehow in a masculine way. And it feels horrible for us. That’s not who we are. That’s a whole different way to stand in front of the room and absolutely get everybody on board and everybody.
Darcy Luoma (10:02):
Which is interesting, Rori, because as you’re talking, I’m thinking, these are tips, whether you are looking to attract Mr. Right or Mrs. Right, whatever your orientation is. And/or if you are a male wanting a partner. I’m hearing a little bit of being able to balance the masculine and feminine energy to create a partnership.
Rori Raye (10:26):
Darcy Luoma (10:27):
Rori Raye (10:27):
We all have those inside us. However, if you don’t have polarity … if you want a masculine energy man, meaning a man who can make decisions. A man who likes to lead and likes to ask you what you want before he makes a decision, a masculine energy man simply can do stuff. And he can listen. He’s interested in being your hero. That’s what that energy is. If you were like that, that’s fine. But you’re going to then attract a very feminine energy man who just may be a painter. Maybe a musician. He has no schedule in his life, and he forgets things, and he’s going to make you feel crazy. You don’t want a feminine energy man, otherwise you wouldn’t be coming to me.
Rori Raye (11:21):
If you want a feminine energy man, you’re okay, running rings and circles and being a social director and scheduling everything. But if you don’t [inaudible 00:11:31] I feel that it’s exhausting and that you feel exhausted doing that in romance. Romance, you just want to lay back and have somebody touch you and feel you and hear you and look at you, right? So you have to learn how to live in your feminine energy, and you can’t do it just in romance. You have to do it 100% of your life. So what is feminine energy then? It is coming from your heart. Yes. You have to find your emotions. You have to find what you desire, what you want, what’s your core. I love how you talk about the core. What your core needs are. What your core desires are. What your core wants are. And you need to go from there. You need to fly from there. You need to swim from there. You need to sing from there, right?
Rori Raye (12:18):
You need to express to a man, you are so beautiful. And I feel so turned on looking at you. And I’m just very aware that what I want is a real relationship. What do you think of that? Or, what really are your intentions for me in our relationship? [inaudible 00:12:39] whatever I’d just like to know. Or, a hamburger just feels really good right now. Or, your feelings. Not, let’s do this. Let’s do that. That’s a good idea. Can you tell the difference? We’re taught to do that masculine energy organizational down. That’s why when I teach coaches, I do the opposite, and they’re like this at first. I just want brain dumping and feminine energy.
Rori Raye (13:08):
Chaos. Chaos is beautiful. That is the origin of the universe. Anybody who doesn’t appreciate chaos, doesn’t get it. Chaos is creativity. All these ideas bombard you. Being a feminine energy person, allows you to let all of this energy in, hold space for it, and allow it to gather into yeah, planets, molecules. Allow it to gather into things. That’s why I created all my programs. That’s how I do 10 times more than most entrepreneurs I know. It’s all fun and stress-free, because it’s coming from my creative self, and I trust that it’s going to come together. That’s what you have to do out in love and romance, also. You have to just be your singing, gorgeous self. However you feel about yourself. If you’re feeling blue that day, you feel that. You just have to be there and the man will come. And then you get to choose.
Darcy Luoma (14:10):
Wow, I’m listening to you both from the lens of the Thoughtfully Fit fans who are watching and listening to you. And also from a very personal lens, that I in the last year have gone on one date. I’m thinking, there’s a lot I’m taking in personally about how to be a little bit more vulnerable and feminine.
Rori Raye (14:34):
That’s it. It’s hard. We are used to covering everything up. It’s hard to be transparent and say what’s really going on with you. “I’m feeling really tired right now. I’m not sure I can make it out of the house. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m feeling really sad right now and I don’t know why. I’m feeling disconnected from you. Can we sit down and talk?”
Darcy Luoma (14:57):
Yeah. There’s the perspective that we’re exploring on how to attract and find a partner. And then there’s, I think, the question also that I’m curious about, how do you turn around if you’re in a relationship and you’re in a troubled relationship? How do you turn that around?
Rori Raye (15:18):
Well, that’s kind of the specialty of the siren. As a siren, first of all, if you’ve gotten into a relationship, you want to make sure if you can wait before you get into a relationship, that this guy actually is capable of partnership. And talking, talking things through, and hearing you. That’s a must. So if you’re in a relationship or a marriage where that’s not happened before, and all of a sudden you want to communicate. All of a sudden you want to feel safe and say how you feel and have him go, ‘Oh, honey,” and not, “Well, okay.” If you want to take a chance and get deeper with him, then you have to start. Yep. And you got to start. And when I say you have to change and he gets to stay the way he is, because it’s like a dance, you’re going to change your dance steps, and he’s going to change his automatically.
Rori Raye (16:17):
If you stop pressing on him and leaning forward, which is the way we women have been taught to be in my generation, in your generation, the new generation, my mother’s generation, however, was taught the other. Was taught Scarlet O’Hare and get a dance card. You lean back, they choose you, right? Well, if you can allow that to happen a little bit and just say, “I’m going to stop all this overfunctioning and treating him really well and making excuses for him and making plans and calling him when he doesn’t call and texting him when he doesn’t text, please don’t ever do that, then you’re going to experience a whole different energy exchange. Go ahead, try it. Lean back. If I lean back, you instinctively want to move forward, right?
Rori Raye (17:07):
If I crowded you in like this, you would instinctively move back. So there’s like a bubble. And if you move forward, the guy automatically leans back until he falls out of the bubble, and then you wonder what happened. So if you lean back, you’ll automatically lean forward. And then pretty soon you guys get to experiment with the possibilities of intimacy, which is scary. And I mean, emotional intimacy, which is scary.
Rori Raye (17:31):
Also we can talk about sex sometime. Sex actually does open the door for emotional intimacy, but we don’t know how to do that because it’s very complex and we have all these other ideas about what sex is. So let’s just say that when you learn to lean back and feel, in the presence of a man, which is basically how the whole Rori Raye method of coaching works, we actually put you in that subconscious space of leaning back and feeling in the presence of a man. And when you get that feeling and you get through it, and you get support to get through it, you start doing it out there in the world. It’s like practicing the piano. And bingo, all of a sudden you get totally different responses from men and also from business owners and customers and clients. When we stop pushing, and instead we lean back, we start pulling. And as we pull, we draw in men. We draw in money. We draw in love. We draw in business.
Rori Raye (18:32):
Forget the concept of manifesting. I am so tired of that. I call it feminafesting when it shows up. But, I’m so tired of it. It’s got a man’s name for God’s sakes. Manifesting. We’re not making something happen. We are drawing stuff in. We’re women. We’re sirens. We get to draw in. You can feel my energy. I’m very excited and all of that. But I’m not trying to get you to do something. I’m really have to watch myself every minute because I’m a type A, “I want to go [inaudible 00:19:09].” So. I really do have to stay in touch with myself and make sure my body is being tracked by me and I know when I’m relaxing or tensing. I can tell I’m expressing myself for fun. I found a fellow woman here. I found a partner here in Darcy in this moment. I feel all like things are going back and forth. That’s how you want to feel with a guy. You can’t do it from here. You got to do it from here.
Darcy Luoma (19:41):
Interesting. Yet, I’m curious how, Rori … What I’m hearing you say is, if you are here, you’re pushing somebody away? Yet I feel like sometimes I have the opposite problem that I’m pulling back a little, too much.
Rori Raye (20:04):
I can fix that. See, there’s something I’ll call warmth and distance. Distance is your actual, almost physical, distance. You make yourself stand further away. You lean back, [inaudible 00:20:17] up to the sky, and you feel that you’re not crowding. You feel that you’re giving a comfortable distance where you can let go of your whole body and feel more comfortable being vulnerable. Then you open your heart and you open yourself, that is warmth. 99.9% of the time, if you feel that you are shutting men away, it’s because you actually are shut down. You stand back, but you’re all closed. So once you practice opening, your energy will seep out and men will find you. They will crowd around you at a party. They will push you to … they’ll walk forward.
Rori Raye (20:55):
I can’t tell you, even though I’m not a young person, how many times gatherings before COVID, I found myself standing against a wall with men around me talking to me. It’s an energetic thing of imagine pulling. So you have to open up and you have to create the space inside you to handle all this attention and affection.
Rori Raye (21:20):
For instance, most of us who push the right men away are terrified of letting them in close. Go ahead and imagine a man up here coming towards you. He’s beautiful. He’s gorgeous. He loves you. He’s smiling. He’s walking towards you. What is your first feeling?
Darcy Luoma (21:39):
Rori Raye (21:41):
Yay? And he’s closer, and he reaches out his hands. He’s about to touch your cheek. What does that feel like?
Darcy Luoma (21:46):
There’s love here.
Rori Raye (21:48):
Okay. Yeah. Do you have an instinct to turn tail and run?
Darcy Luoma (21:53):
A little bit.
Rori Raye (21:54):
Yep, that’s it. Well, imagine if that happened in real life, it would be even more tense than what you’re experiencing in your subconscious right now. This is the Rori Raye method of coaching. We you actually put you in situations so you can feel them and then you practice right with us, right? We’re terrified. We all have these boundaries. I do not believe in boundaries the way everybody says it. I’m completely an outlier for everything that you hear out there, except the people who are talking from what I’m saying. If you’re here and a man’s here, you’re both at your comfortable distance, right? You’re both comfortable there. And he moves forward, you move back. You move forward and he moves back. You just maintain this. You have found each other in order to maintain this distance.
Rori Raye (22:49):
So to go back to, how do you fix a relationship that’s like this, stuck, right? Not happening. How are you going to make it loosey goosey? You loosen up without moving forward. You loosen up. You listen to him. You handle his anger and his fear. You don’t tell him what to do. Instead you say, “I’m feeling disconnected. It would feel amazing to touch you.” He’ll melt. In other words, you say what’s truly going on for you. From your want, it would feel great, too. You express yourself in emotional language, which really helps because everybody understands it on a very visceral level. We use emotional language, and pretty soon everything [inaudible 00:23:38]. And before you know it, he’s desperate for connection. He’s going to come in. He’s going to be terrified you’re going to yell at him or make him wrong. So we very much train not to do that.
Rori Raye (23:50):
You don’t want to do that in business either, do you? Would you make a business partner wrong? No. You’d say, “I feel a little bit uncomfortable with that move right here. Could we talk about it?” You do that with a guy too. Except a lot of us don’t say, “Gee …” You’d say, “That’s terrible.” Well, we can’t say that to guys. They’re way too sensitive for that. They’re going to run. We’ve been trained somehow to do everything from an aggressive, masculine energy perspective, rather than an assertive, feminine energy. I want to tell you, that’s where your power is. We throw our power away when we suit up and try to act emotionless like men, we totally throw it away.
Rori Raye (24:40):
Why do you think men have been containing us for so long? Why do you think they’ve put us into little boxes and said, “Women can do this?” Right now, the whole, “Is my body my own or does it belong to those old men?” It’s not whether or not we believe in certain laws or rules of conduct, it’s about who’s making those rules. Men of a particular age and status have always made the rules. It’s time for us to exert our feminine siren power, which is all based in feeling and emotion and the ability to stand with it.
Darcy Luoma (25:22):
Oh. It’s so powerful, and there’s so many more questions I have. And so much more knowledge and expertise that I just know that is behind all of the comments that you’re making. I’d love to just have you share a little bit more. I’m putting your website up here. If people are interested in learning more and going deeper, what would be the next step?
Rori Raye (25:48):
You’re awesome. The most wonderful, easiest thing we have discovered is, we do something called the feminine energy workshop at the end of every month. On the last Sunday of every month. My top coaches run it. I’m always there in the bleachers. It’s only $17. You not only get to be there for 90 minutes with the most incredible tools being given to you, you’re going to get actually coached, live coached in small breakout rooms by my brilliant, hand-picked coaches. These are going to be extraordinary experiences for you. So for that kind of money, and that kind of thing, everybody just keeps coming, coming, coming [inaudible 00:26:31]. It’s a great first experience with everything siren. So, just go to CoachRoricom. You look around. You can click on the link that says The Feminine Energy Workshop, and come.
Darcy Luoma (26:45):
Is it just for women?
Rori Raye (26:46):
It’s just for women. For men, email me, and I’ll get you set up.
Darcy Luoma (26:51):
Okay, perfect. We’ll put all of those-
Rori Raye (26:54):
We’ll tell you exactly what to do. If you’re a woman, because, getting into your masculine if you’re a man, you’re probably going to go, “I don’t want to do that.” But once you get started, life will change for you. You’ll be able to partner so many women who have just shut you out. They’re going to be all over you. All right? That’s for men.
Rori Raye (27:16):
Business, oh, you’re going to do so much better in business when you have an inkling of how to facilitate other people and their emotions. Whether they’re hiding them or not. For women, in that one feminine energy workshop, you’re going to get so much. We can talk about books and getting private coaching or whatever you want. Or just by free newsletters, which will just keep coming, and they’re all advice. They all got tools.
Rori Raye (27:43):
You’re just going to get on my blog. There’s free everything. Freebies this. Freebies that. Just, we’re there for you. The whole idea is for you to experience what it feels like to be in your vulnerable feeling, feminine energy, and then speak that as your truth. Rather than what we normally think is smart, which is express an opinion. “The sun is beautiful out now. It’s very warm.” That’s masculine. “But wow, I feel really moved when I look at the trees without the leaves. I see the squirrels.” That’s feminine energy. You can live like that and you can do it in business too. So join us at the feminine energy workshop, that’s where I suggest you start.
Darcy Luoma (28:34):
… That’s a perfect starting place, and I love that you gave all sorts of other places of the resources that you do. As always, we end with engaging your core. I really want to just highlight, what I’m hearing you say is, I know that you are focused in how do you find Mr. Right, and how do you work through those struggles in your relationship. And yet I’m hearing that it’s transferable to business. To other professional relationships. Maybe you’re trying to find a partner of the same sex, whatever it is. The energy you’re putting out, whether being able to bring that feminine energy forth, to be vulnerable. To name how you’re feeling.
Darcy Luoma (29:25):
So, as we’re closing out, I’ll just say and invite everybody to pause. The next time you feel like you’re going to that masculine place, which I’m going to take this workout myself, because that’s where I get a little bit buttoned up, and it’s probably a little bit out of fear, to think, “How can I access that feminine energy? How can I be a little more vulnerable and a little bit more exposed in this moment, and then act from that place?”
Darcy Luoma (29:52):
Rori, thank you so very much for joining me today and just providing your nuggets and your wisdom and your personal story with us to move forward, to have better relationships, and overcome our obstacles.
Rori Raye (30:06):
Darcy, I really had a good time. You’re wonderful, and I look forward to talking with you some more.
Darcy Luoma (30:12):
I do too. Thank you so much Rori. Everybody, go out there and have a Thoughtfully Fit week. Take care.
Rori Raye (30:19):
Darcy Luoma (30:20):
Inner trash talk before the race
On the morning of the race, I biked to the start – which conveniently was only five miles from our house. My triathlon coach Cindi tells me “the shorter the race, the longer the warm-up.” So the ride there was a nice race prep and cool down after.
As I was riding to the course, my mind was all over the place. Anxious thoughts hit me from all directions:
- “You have no idea what you’re doing!”
- “You don’t even have a proper cyclocross bike.”
- “What happens if someone laps you?”
- “You’ve never competed in a cyclocross race before!”
- “You don’t have the right shoes.”
- “You can give up now and go home. No-one will know except Cindi!”
I dealt with these thoughts by using a technique I call the “Pause Pinch,” which is where you focus your mind on the present moment by pinching your thumb and forefinger together on the bit of skin between your thumb and forefinger of your other hand. Having Paused, I recognized that my thoughts were the familiar handiwork of Little Miss Perfect Pants.
However, just because I was having sabotaging thoughts didn’t mean I needed to act on them. So instead of turning around and going home, I chose to Endure through my anxiety and just go and have fun.
I arrived early to scout the course and was thrilled to see my coach and some people from my triathlon team. They were super helpful in showing me possible ways to navigate the logs, hay bails, and other technical obstacles on the course. I learned that sometimes you even have to get off your bike and carry it around or over the hurdles. (Yes, it’s as intense as it sounds!) I spent the next hour practicing the more technical spots before my wave began.
Nevertheless, even 10 minutes before the race, I was still nervous. To be honest, I was worried I might finish last. Or worse, not finish at all. But I decided to just embrace my conscious incompetence and go for it.
More fun (and more painful!) than I was expecting
And I’m glad I did. The race was a blast. I felt exhilarated afterwards! It was also super hard.
But I persisted and finished the race. While I came second to last, covered in dried blood from my crash, I felt on top of the world!
What obstacles will you Endure through today?
I’m telling you this story to illustrate the value of Enduring through difficult times. It’s so easy to succumb to your inner trash talk. We all have it, regardless of how successful we are.
But if you’re able to identify your anxious thoughts and find the resolve to move past them, who knows what your life might start to look like! Perhaps you could finally take that evening class you’ve been meaning to. Or you might get that scuba diving certification you’ve had your eye on for a while. One thing’s for sure: you’ll certainly have a lot more fun than if you act on those sabotaging thoughts!
Just like physical fitness, becoming mentally fit isn’t something that happens overnight. You wouldn’t expect to develop strong core muscles merely by doing sit-ups for two days in a row, right? It takes daily practice, and developing your mental core is much the same.
It all starts with your core
So why not take the opportunity to try this core workout?
Pause: The next time you feel anxious or stressed out, try the Pause Pinch, and allow your mind to focus on the present moment.
Think: What’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s the best thing that could happen?
Act: Have the courage to take a step that’ll get you closer to your dream, even if it’s hard!
What are you going to try this year? Let us know how we can support you. You can do it!
This week’s recommendation is Gabriella Goddard’s book, Gulp!, which helped me break through some of my own limits. I featured a quote from the book as the introduction to Part I of the Thoughtfully Fit book: “Connect to your core and you’ll find strength. Act from your core and you’ll move mountains.” For me, these words perfectly sum up what Thoughtfully Fit is all about.