I was ready to quit. My husband wasn’t.
It was just another training walk in preparation for our Challenge Walk MS. We had planned to walk twelve miles. After walking six in humid, hot weather, I was ready to Uber it home. But my husband, Jeremy, wasn’t ready to stop yet.
Regardless of how strong our relationships are, having different opinions is inevitable. Sometimes it’s about something significant like money, annoying habits, or in-laws.
And sometimes the conflict is about the insignificant. What to have for dinner. What color to paint the bathroom. Whether or not to walk another six miles.
These little issues might not mean much on their own, but the moment-to-moment interactions add up over time. If we’re not careful, ignoring the little issues can cause big problems in the relationship.
Regardless of how high (or low) stakes the conversation is, the three C’s—courage, compassion, and curiosity—can provide us the road map to get through the conflict unscathed.
Step 1: Let’s be honest
It all starts with courage and being honest about what you want. This includes being honest with the other person and yourself. Sometimes we think so much about what they want —or how they’re going to react—we don’t take the time to think about what we want (much less say it out loud).
I often say nothing in order to keep the peace, especially when it feels like it’s not a big deal. But that inevitably leads to silent resentment that I’m always giving in, even though I’m the one who’s not speaking up! (Surely I’m not the only wife who gets mad at their partner for not being able to read their mind, right?)
On this day in particular, courage meant Jeremy and I both knew we were going to say something the other person wasn’t going to like. Thankfully, courage is only the first part of the three C’s and we have two more steps to help us work through the disagreement.
Step 2: Have heart
Nobody enjoys being in a conversation where it feels like they’re not being heard. When you’re talking, but not listening (or if you want to prevent the conversation from becoming a shouting match), that’s the time to dial up the compassion.
Without adding compassion to the mix, Jeremy and my conversation would’ve turned into a Mueller vs. Mueller battle of wills: both of us expressing what we want/need, but neither of us listening.
Compassion is at the heart of what allows us to connect with others. We can work on increasing our compassion by committing to listening and acknowledging when things are feeling tense or difficult. Jeremy and I both wanted to do what was best for our training. We just had different opinions on what the best option was. It’s hard to demonstrate compassion when you just want to win.
Step 3: Questions lead to the answer
It can be difficult to know how to navigate a conversation when you come to an impasse, and you can end up somewhere neither of you want to be—in a win-lose situation. That’s where curiosity and asking questions can help find the win-win.
I asked Jeremy, “What’s important for you about walking the last six miles?” And after explaining, he asked me, “What would make finishing our training easier for you?” Because of these questions, we were able to better understand each other. He made the point that we’d eventually have to do long distance training, so putting it off would only make it harder. I expressed that, since we started later in the day, I was feeling overheated and the thought of being in the sun for six more miles was too much. We were both right. Neither one of us was trying to convince the other person they were wrong or their point was invalid.
Different opinions in a conversation can be hard to navigate, but when use the three C’s and remember ask questions, we’re better equipped to genuinely understand one another and find a resolution everyone can be happy about.
There’s no place like home…
Jeremy and my win-win was continuing to walk but on a different route with more shade (that strategically went by a Culver’s where we could stop for a custard break!). I won’t pretend we find the win-win all the time. I don’t always have the courage to say what I really want. I don’t always have the compassion to listen the way I should. In some situations, I don’t have the curiosity to ask questions (and when I’m tired, I make more snarky or passive-aggressive comments).
That said, when I’m feeling frustrated in a conversation, I know that dialing up the courage, compassion, or curiosity can get us back on track. The hardest part is sometimes just remembering that I have access to the three C’s.
One-Minute Core Workout
Communicating with the three C’s (and breaking bad communication habits!) can be difficult at first. When you engage your core, finding Balance during tough conversations becomes easier.
- Pause. When you’re not feeling heard or you’re growing frustrated, take a moment to Pause and…
- Think. Ask yourself thoughtful questions: What do we each need from this interaction? How can I dial up my courage, compassion, or curiosity? What is one step I can take to move us forward?
- Act. Take that first step towards Balance.
Every conversation provides us with the opportunity to practice Balanced communication. Starting with your loved ones on the low-stakes issues is a great place to start.
Take it one step at a time, and eventually hard conversations will be a walk in the park (hopefully with a pit stop at Culver’s!).
