On paper, it looks great.
Two peers. Both smart. Both reliable. Both are delivering strong results. If you were building a team from scratch, you’d hire them again without hesitation.
And yet, it’s not working
Meetings feel tense. Emails are carefully worded. Decisions take longer than they should. At best, there’s silent friction that everybody notices. At worst, there’s open conflict that everyone is talking about.
This is often how toxic co-workers show up in professional environments: not through shouting matches or dramatic blowups, but through subtle, patterned behaviors that quietly drain energy from the team.
Most of the time, the people involved are not toxic. But the dynamic certainly is.
And that’s good news. Because dynamics can be addressed, especially when leaders know what to look for early.
Why This Happens So Often Among High Performers
Leaders are sometimes surprised when strong contributors struggle to work well together. Shouldn’t capable adults be able to “figure it out”?
Not necessarily.
High performers often:
- Care deeply about outcomes
- Hold high standards for themselves and others
- Work with significant autonomy
- Operate under constant pressure
Add ambiguity, competing priorities, or unclear decision rights, and friction isn’t just possible, it’s likely.
When that friction goes unaddressed, it can solidify into patterns that look, feel, and function like toxic co-workers, even though the root issue is how the two people are interacting, not who they are.
This is where the research of psychologist John Gottman becomes particularly useful.
Gottman’s Team Toxins: How Toxic Co-Workers Develop
Gottman’s work, originally focused on relationships, has been widely applied to teams. He identified four interaction patterns called the four toxins that reliably predict breakdowns in collaboration.
What makes these toxins especially relevant for leaders is that:
- They are observable behaviors, not personality traits
- They tend to escalate in a predictable order
- Early intervention can prevent long-term damage
Let’s look at each one through the lens of two high-performing peers.
Toxin #1: Blaming
What it is
Blaming occurs when responsibility for problems is consistently shifted outward rather than shared or examined.
What it can look like
- “If they had looped me in sooner, this wouldn’t be an issue.”
- Subtle finger-pointing during project reviews
- Framing mistakes as someone else’s oversight
- Recounting events in ways that minimize one’s own role
- Copying others on emails “just for visibility”
- Escalating issues instead of addressing them directly
Impact on the organization
- Trust begins to erode
- People become more focused on self-protection than problem-solving
- Collaboration slows as energy shifts toward defensiveness
- Leaders start getting pulled into unnecessary clarification and cleanup
At this stage, leaders often dismiss the tension as normal stress. That’s understandable, but it’s also paves the way for the next toxin.
Toxin #2: Defensiveness
What it is
Defensiveness shows up when protecting one’s reputation or competence becomes more important than learning or alignment.
What it can look like
- Over-explaining decisions that weren’t questioned
- Responding to feedback with “Yes, but…”
- Countering concerns with unrelated examples
- Tone shifts that signal irritation or shutdown
- Naming what the other person did to justify their own behavior
Impact on the organization
- Feedback dries up or becomes carefully filtered
- Issues linger instead of being resolved
- Meetings become performative rather than productive
- Leaders hesitate to intervene because conversations feel exhausting
At this point, toxic co-workers often don’t realize what’s happening. Each person feels justified. The dynamic, however, is gaining momentum.
Toxin #3: Contempt
What it is
Contempt reflects a sense of superiority which is sometimes obvious, often subtle. This can be the most corrosive of the four toxins.
What it can look like
- Eye-rolling, sighs, or smirks during meetings
- Sarcastic comments framed as humor
- Dismissive language or patronizing explanations
- Talking about a peer rather than to them
- Private comments that undermine credibility
Impact on the organization
- Team members begin to take sides
- Psychological safety drops for everyone, not just the two involved
- Collaboration beyond the pair starts to fray
- Cultural damage spreads faster than leaders expect
This is often when leaders finally label the situation as “toxic co-workers.” Unfortunately, by now, the cost of repair is much higher.
Toxin #4: Stonewalling
What it is
Stonewalling is withdrawal—emotional, communicative, or practical. It often masquerades as professionalism.
What it can look like
- Silence in meetings
- Delayed or minimal responses
- Avoiding joint work whenever possible
- “I’ll just handle my part” behavior
- Calm disengagement that signals resignation
Impact on the organization
- Workarounds become the norm
- Duplication of effort increases
- Innovation stalls
- Team members are talking about the drama more than the work
Stonewalling often feels like relief. In reality, it’s the end stage of a breakdown that is now embedded in the system.
Why the Order Matters
One of the most important insights from Gottman’s research is that these toxins typically progress in sequence.
Blaming doesn’t always lead to defensiveness. Defensiveness doesn’t always turn into contempt. But if those early toxins aren’t addressed early, the odds increase dramatically that things are going to get worse.
By the time toxic co-workers are openly disengaged, the organization has already absorbed significant hidden costs in time, morale, and lost effectiveness.
Recognizing the pattern early isn’t about overreacting. It’s about interrupting momentum before it hardens.
Three Common Leadership Myths That Keep This Going
Many leaders see these dynamics and feel stuck. Often, it’s because of one of these assumptions.
Myth #1: “They’ll figure it out on their own”
High performers are often less likely to address relational friction directly. Pride, reputation, and fear of escalation keep things polite and unresolved.
Myth #2: “It’s not my job to fix the people”
This isn’t about changing personalities. It’s about addressing interaction patterns and expectations. Leaders don’t need to be therapists to intervene effectively.
Myth #3: “They don’t have to like each other”
True. They don’t need to be friends. They do need to collaborate in ways that don’t quietly undermine the team.
Tolerating the dynamic doesn’t keep things neutral. It allows it to spread.
What Leaders Can Do Instead
When you notice two high performers drifting into toxic co-worker territory, a few principles matter:
- Watch patterns, not incidents: One tense meeting or sharp email isn’t the issue. Pay attention to what’s happening repeatedly over time. Discussing incidents can get people stuck defending behaviors of the past. Naming patterns help to find a resolution moving forward.
- Name what you see without judgment: Focus on observable behaviors and their impact rather than motives or intent. Describing what’s happening and how it’s affecting the work keeps the conversation grounded and reduces the urge to defend.
- Intervene earlier than feels necessary: Waiting rarely makes this easier. Early conversations are usually simpler, less emotional, and far more effective than trying to repair things once frustration and assumptions have set in.
- Address it when things are calm, not in the heat of the moment: Don’t wait for the next blow-up or try to resolve this in the middle of tension. The most productive conversations about toxic patterns happen outside the storm, when people can actually hear each other and think clearly.
- Be clear about what won’t be tolerated: Let people know that dismissive, avoidant, or undermining behaviors aren’t “just how some people work.” Strong results don’t outweigh the cost of toxic interaction patterns.
Sometimes leaders can reset the dynamic themselves. Other times, having a structured, neutral way to surface and work through the interaction patterns, like alignment coaching, can be the best way through.
The Real Cost of Doing Nothing
Most toxic co-workers are not villains. They are capable professionals caught in an unexamined pattern that no one has slowed down.
Silence, in these situations, is not neutral. It teaches everyone in the organization which behaviors will be tolerated and which won’t be addressed at all.
The good news? When leaders see this as a toxic dynamic, not toxic people, intervention becomes less personal, less dramatic, and far more effective.
And often, it’s the difference between losing two great people or helping them work well together again.
Frequently Asked Questions About Toxic Co-Workers
Am I a toxic co-worker?
If you regularly feel tense around one specific colleague, replay conversations afterward, talk to other people instead of your co-worker directly, or avoid working with them whenever possible, that’s often a sign of a toxic dynamic.
Can two good people create a toxic work environment together?
Yes. Toxic co-workers are often two capable professionals whose interaction patterns slowly deteriorate. Neither person intends harm, but the dynamic still impacts the team.
What’s the difference between normal conflict and toxic co-workers?
Normal conflict leads to clearer understanding or better decisions over time. Toxic co-worker dynamics repeat the same issues without resolution and gradually reduce trust, energy, and collaboration.
Is it toxic if I avoid a coworker to keep the peace?
Avoidance can feel like professionalism, but when it becomes the primary strategy, it often signals stonewalling. Over time, that avoidance can quietly damage teamwork and performance.
Why do I get defensive with one coworker but not others?
This usually points to a specific dynamic rather than a general behavior pattern. History, pressure, or unresolved issues with that person can trigger defensiveness even in otherwise collaborative employees.
What if my coworker thinks I’m the problem?
That’s usually how it works. When a dynamic turns toxic, both people usually feel misunderstood or blamed. The other person is the problem. Focusing on the interaction pattern rather than who’s “right” is the fastest way forward.
Can toxic co-workers still be productive?
Yes, and that’s what makes this tricky. Work may still get done, but often at a higher emotional and organizational cost that leaders don’t see right away.
Is workplace toxicity always obvious?
No. Many toxic co-worker situations are quiet, polite, and professional on the surface. The damage shows up in slowed decisions, reduced collaboration, and low-level tension that can be felt across the team.
Can high performers really be toxic co-workers?
Yes. High performance in individual work does not guarantee healthy collaboration. In fact, high performers operating under pressure are often more likely to develop toxic dynamics when expectations, roles, or decision-making authority are unclear.
Do toxic co-workers eventually work it out on their own?
Rarely. High performers often avoid direct conversations to protect their reputation or avoid escalation. Without leadership intervention, toxic patterns tend to harden rather than resolve.
What should a leader do when two employees don’t work well together?
Leaders should address the issue early, focus on observable patterns rather than isolated incidents, and set clear expectations for how the employees need to work together. Naming the impact of behaviors, without assigning blame, helps reset collaboration before toxicity spreads.
How do toxic co-workers affect the rest of the team?
Toxic dynamics rarely stay contained. Other team members feel the tension, adjust their behavior, and often spend more time navigating the relationship than focusing on the work.
When should leaders bring in outside support?
If the dynamic has progressed to contempt or stonewalling, or if leaders feel stuck addressing it themselves, coaching can help surface patterns and reset expectations in a neutral way.
Can toxic co-workers become effective partners again?
Yes. When leaders intervene early and treat the issue as a shared dynamic rather than a personal failure, many high-performing peers are able to rebuild trust and work productively together again.
Looking for more information about team development? Be sure to check out our Leader’s Guide to Building Stronger Teams.
