The most common theme we see when we meet with alignment coaching clients for the first time is that the business is changing faster than the partnership.
At first glance, that sounds like a good problem to have. The business is growing, and things are moving forward. Perhaps business is booming. And that’s exactly why misalignment often goes unaddressed. Leadership partners assume they’ll figure it out the way they always have.
But when we look back and trace where the misalignment began, it almost always coincides with growth. A team expands from 5 people to 20, then from 20 to 50. New leaders are added. Responsibilities shift. Decisions become more complex.
Growth itself isn’t the problem. The challenge is that as the business evolves, the partnership has to evolve with it. When it doesn’t, small gaps in alignment start to widen over time until they’re impossible to ignore.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
Before we get into solutions, it’s helpful to recognize the warning signs. Here are some of the early indicators that a partnership is starting to fall out of alignment:
- Issues that used to feel black and white now feel a little more gray.
- Decisions that should be resolved keep getting revisited.
- Decisions start piling up because you’re not resolving them.
- You’re starting to prepare more for conversations with your partner because you’re already anticipating their reaction.
- You’re editing yourself a little more in conversations.
- You’re not even taking action anymore because you’re already making an assumption about how somebody’s going to respond.
None of these things may feel like a crisis. They may even seem like normal growing pains, the kind of issues that will work themselves out with time. But that’s not usually the case.
Misalignment rarely shows up overnight. What starts as a few small frustrations can slowly become entrenched patterns. By the time partners recognize how far apart they’ve drifted, the gap can feel so large that finding a way back seems overwhelming.
Why We Don’t Talk About It
If these signs are fairly easy to recognize, why don’t partners address them sooner? Because by the time the warning signs show up, there are usually plenty of reasons not to.
Here are a few of the most common ones we hear:
- Business is good. Things are good enough. I can live with it.
- What if it gets worse? This isn’t feeling great, but what if I say something and then something gets worse?
- We don’t have time for this.
- I don’t want to be confrontational.
- We’re competent people. We should be able to figure it out.
- I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
That last one is worth pausing on for a moment.
The partnerships we work with are rarely made up of people who don’t care. In fact, the opposite is usually true. They care deeply about each other, and they care deeply about the business. That’s what makes these conversations feel so high stakes.
Ironically, the partnerships that have completely checked out often have an easier time having difficult conversations. There’s less anxiety, less second-guessing, less walking on eggshells. But those are often conversations about ending the partnership, not strengthening it.
The partners we work with are usually trying to do the opposite. They want the relationship to work. They want the business to succeed. And because they care so much about both, they’re often reluctant to say the thing that might create tension in the short term.
When a conversation feels hard to have, it’s often because the relationship matters. The challenge is that avoiding the conversation in an effort to protect the relationship can end up creating the very distance you’re trying to avoid.
The Frustration Threshold
Here’s the pattern we see most often. One leader is feeling frustrated, but not frustrated enough to do anything about it. It’s like when your jeans are feeling a little tight, but not enough to skip the hamburger and fries at lunch. It’s not quite bad enough yet.
And then, slowly, that frustration starts to shape how you show up. You start preparing more for conversations. Editing yourself. Making assumptions before anything is even said. And what starts as a normal misalignment quietly turns into something that takes much more energy to unwind.
One of the things we see consistently in our Alignment Coaching Sprints is that one leader has been using a ton of capacity thinking about this, trying to figure out the right way to have the conversation. And the other leader had absolutely no idea it was even an issue.
This is where a lot of time and energy gets lost.
Four Ways to Shift This
You don’t need to wait until it’s a crisis. Here are four ways to start:
1. Treat friction as information, not a problem. When you notice something that feels off, get curious about it instead of going straight to what’s wrong, who’s to blame, what needs to be solved. Normalize that mindset, not just for yourself, but as a pair.
2. Normalize having conversations earlier than feels necessary. Misalignment often happens when good things are happening. Give each other permission to say, “I don’t think this is a big thing, but I want to talk about it anyway.”
3. Distinguish observations from interpretations. Instead of “you don’t trust me” or “you’re getting too in the weeds,” name the specific behaviors and then name it as your assumption: “Here’s the story I’m making up.” That distinction makes a huge difference.
4. Create space for regular conversations. If you wait until you have to do it, that’s when it gets harder. So practice these conversations with the seemingly small issues. Just like if you want to be physically fit, you can’t skip straight to lifting 100 pounds. You have to practice with the 10-pound barbells first. The Thoughtfully Fit® framework is built on exactly this idea: it’s not a one-and-done. It’s a continual practice.
You can explore more on how we approach this work in our alignment coaching and across our leader development resources.
Ready to Get Ahead of It?
If you’re reading this and recognizing a few of these patterns, it’s a good sign you’re on the right track.
We offer a complimentary 30-minute alignment session for you and your leadership partner to jumpstart one of these conversations and walk away with clear next steps. Reach out at dlcc@darcyluoma.com or call 262-563-DLCC.
And for a research-backed look at why avoiding difficult conversations tends to backfire, this HBR piece is worth a read.
