Darcy Luoma running in a triathlon
Then there’s the other kind. The sharp twinge in my knee. The tightening in my calf. The pain that doesn’t build but rather snaps. That kind of pain stops me in my tracks. I’ve learned not to power through it, no matter how stubborn I’m feeling. Because that’s not the kind of pain that leads to strength. It leads to injury.
It took me a while, and a few avoidable injuries, to figure this out. But now I know better: some pain builds you up, while some pain breaks you down. That’s not just true for running. It’s true for conflict, too.
What Is Constructive Conflict?
Conflict works the same way. On any team, tension is inevitable. People think differently. They communicate differently. They solve problems differently. That’s normal.
Constructive conflict is like that good kind of pain. It’s uncomfortable, but healthy. It sounds like curiosity. It feels like stretching. It pushes ideas forward. You might disagree with someone’s approach or priorities, but the goal is still shared, and the respect is still intact.
Destructive conflict, on the other hand, is the kind of pain that causes damage. It feels personal. It sounds like blame. It often centers on who’s right instead of what’s true. And instead of solving the real issue, it creates new ones—resentment, mistrust, and avoidance.
Most of us can handle a difference of opinion. What’s harder to handle is feeling attacked or misunderstood. That’s when conflict stops being about the issue and starts getting personal. And that’s when things go sideways. Either we avoid the conversation altogether, or we pick fights over small stuff because it’s easier than facing what’s really going on.
Questions to Spot the Difference
Being on that long run, I’m constantly checking in: Is this the kind of pain that means I’m getting stronger, or the kind that means I need to stop? It’s not a one-time decision. It’s a moment-by-moment awareness.
Conflict works the same way.
Every tense conversation is a chance to tune in. Are we building something here? Or breaking something down? Here are some questions that you can ask to tell the difference.
- Are we focused on solving a problem or proving a point?
- Are we attacking the issue or the individual?
- Are we getting close to a solution or a grudge?
- Is this moving us forward or rehashing the past?
- Is the disagreement based on facts or assumptions?
When the answers lean toward growth, respect, and shared purpose, you’re likely in constructive conflict territory. When they point toward ego, blame, or silence, you’ve crossed into destructive conflict.
3 Ways to Get Back to Constructive Conflict
When you find yourself in the middle of a tense conversation, it can be hard to think straight, let alone respond in a thoughtful way. But just like on a long run, the key isn’t to push harder. It’s to tune in.
Here are three things you can do when the heat is rising and you don’t like how the conversation, or your own behavior, is unfolding:
1. Name What’s Happening
If you feel the tension tipping into personal territory, say something. You don’t have to be dramatic.
Try:
- Hey, I think we’re getting stuck on each other instead of the problem.
- Can we pause and reset? I want to make sure we’re still aligned on the goal.
Calling out the shift doesn’t make you weak. It keeps your team in the zone of growth instead of injury.
2. Own Your Shift
When things get heated, it’s easy to fall into defensiveness, sarcasm, or shutting down. Instead of staying stuck in a reaction you’re not proud of, name it and choose differently.
Try:
- I don’t like how I’m showing up right now. I’m getting reactive, and that’s not how I want to handle this.
- I want to be more constructive here, but I’m feeling tense. Let me take a breath and try again.
When you call yourself out, you can lower the temperature for everyone else, too. It’s a move that builds trust.
3. Share Something Vulnerable
When conflict feels personal, it’s often because we’re protecting something—our values, our pride, our fear of being misunderstood. Vulnerability flips the script. Even a small, honest statement can reset the tone and reconnect you to the human across the table.
Try:
- This conversation is hard for me because I really care about getting it right.
- I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I think that’s why I’m reacting this way.
Sharing something real about yourself invites the other person to soften, too.
The Real Strength Comes From Staying In It
Running long distances has taught me a lot but maybe the biggest lesson is this: if you want to go far, you have to learn how to stay steady. You can’t sprint the whole time. You can’t bail every time it gets hard. And you certainly can’t ignore what your body is telling you and expect to stay in the race.
It’s the same with conflict.
Teams that thrive don’t get there by avoiding tension. They get there by learning how to stay in the discomfort long enough to grow from it. They recognize when conflict is helping them push further. And they know when it’s veering into damage and needs a reset.
The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict. It’s to build the endurance to stay in it when it matters and the awareness to shift when it doesn’t. That’s what builds strong teams. Not just for the moment, but for the miles ahead.
Frequently Asked Questions about Constructive Conflict
What is an example of constructive conflict at work?
Constructive conflict might look like two teammates debating how to prioritize a project—each offering different ideas, asking tough questions, and challenging assumptions, all while staying focused on the shared goal. There’s tension, but it’s productive. No one storms off. No one takes it personally. Instead, the conversation leads to a stronger outcome and deeper mutual respect.
How can I respond when conflict at work feels personal?
Start by checking in with yourself. If you’re feeling defensive or triggered, try naming your reaction (“I’m feeling frustrated, and I don’t want that to take over this conversation”). Then, refocus on the issue, not the person. Constructive conflict is grounded in mutual respect and shared outcomes, even when emotions run high.
Why does constructive conflict make teams stronger?
Because it pushes teams to get honest. Constructive conflict invites diverse perspectives, challenges assumptions, and strengthens decision-making. It creates space for better solutions, not just faster ones. It also helps build psychological safety, which is the foundation of any high-performing team.
Can conflict be healthy in leadership and management?
Absolutely. In fact, leadership training for managers often includes how to recognize and guide teams through healthy conflict. When leaders model curiosity over control and vulnerability over ego, they create the conditions for team growth—even when things get uncomfortable.
What are the signs that conflict is turning destructive?
Watch for defensiveness, blame, personal jabs, or silence. If people stop engaging or start attacking, it’s a sign the conflict is no longer about solving a problem. Instead, it’s become about self-protection. That’s when it’s time to pause, reset, and refocus.
How do I rebuild trust after a destructive conflict?
Start with accountability. Own your part. Acknowledge the impact. Then, shift the focus toward alignment: “How can we move forward from here in a way that works for both of us?” Sometimes, working with a performance coach or through a team retreat can help facilitate that reset and build new trust.
What’s the difference between avoiding conflict and managing it well?
Avoiding conflict means tiptoeing around the real issues. Managing it well means engaging with honesty, clarity, and care. One leads to resentment and surface-level harmony. The other leads to growth, deeper connection, and stronger team cohesion.
Looking for more information about leadership development? Be sure to check out: The Ultimate Guide to Leadership Development.
