Darcy Luoma Coaching and Consulting

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No talking, but do you have time to listen?

Do you have time to listen?

 

The other day, while in an all day training session, I got a text from my daughter (after noticing two missed calls from her) that said ‘Answer my call. PLZ.’ I replied ‘Ok. I am in a session so can’t talk.’ Her reply? ‘Oh ok can u listen?’

Text Screenshot Blog Can you Listen

Now, in her case it was probably that she had an extremely urgent question about missing shoes or potential social engagements that she needed to talk to me about RIGHT NOW, but it occurred to me that so often when we ask someone to talk, what we really need is for them to listen.

Unfortunately, in general we are not very good at listening. We spend a lot of time talking, and thinking about what we might say next, and paying half attention. But the amount of time we spend listening fully to others is pretty small. I train on active listening and have people try to listen to another person’s story while texting. The result for the talker is that they do not feel heard or valued, and usually the result for the listener is that they have NO idea what they just heard. Active listening requires you to devote all of your attention to the person talking, and really try to understand their message. [Read more…]

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Finding your way to win-win

improve relationships thoughtfully fit

Part of being Thoughtfully Fit is getting really clear on what you want, from a conversation, a relationship, a job or life in general! This is not easy, as many of us don’t really take the time to pause and think about what we want from a particular situation. However, in order to get to a win-win you need to do something even harder: think about what OTHERS want and need, and act in a way that takes that into consideration.

This month we’re focusing on BALANCE which is the second external practice of Thoughtfully Fit. Balance is about being mindful of your wants and needs, and balancing them with the wants and needs of others. When we honor both our own needs and those of others, we can create communication and relationships where everyone feels heard and valued. [Read more…]

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Creating Balanced Relationships

by Sharon Barbour, DLCC Coach

balanced relationships

In my experience, balanced relationships have a flow of giving and receiving that requires attending to both the self and the other. Below you’ll find a couple of actions that can help keep day-to-day relations humming along. I also offer several practices that can shift your relationship with yourself as well as with others.

Actions for Balanced Relationships

  • Make clear requests. Get good at making clear requests that include conditions of satisfaction and a timeline. For example, in the past, I might have asked my teen, “Hey Claire, will you clean the bathroom?” and then been annoyed that she hadn’t done it by the end of the day or that she didn’t do a thorough job. Now, I’m more likely to say “Claire, will you clean the bathroom before dinner today and follow the checklist we made for it?”  
  • Clarify requests before responding. I’ve also learned to expand my replies to requests made of me beyond “yes” or “no” to include: “I can do that if we make this modification….” or “I need time to think about this. I will get back to you by noon on Tuesday.” It is often a good idea to also clarify those “conditions of satisfaction” before agreeing to a request.
  • Make authentic offers. This is about checking in with yourself before you make an offer to do something. When you honor your truth, you have more energy for what you care about and less frequently get your energy zapped by resentment or overwhelm. If you don’t want to make chili for the football team, then don’t offer to do it. Maybe there’s a different way to support the team or your son/daughter if that’s your true desire.

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Just the way you are

acceptance judgement thoughtfully fit

Let’s face it: we judge.

Most of us judge often, looking critically at the choices and actions of others. Whether it’s what’s in their cart at the grocery store, or how they are handling their two-year-old mid-tantrum, or their tone in today’s staff meeting, we have a lot of feelings about the way other people behave. Often this judgment gets in the way of our ability to connect with others. Moreover, when we judge we waste a LOT of energy thinking about how we wish other people could be different.

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Goldilocks and the Three Reference Requests

requesting references, thoughtful, thoughtfully fit

Sometimes the quest for BALANCE – where you balance your wants and needs with those of the other person – is very practical. Case in point: reference requests. You want a good quality recommendation, while the person providing it wants to do it with a reasonable amount of effort (as little as possible, that is!).

Having worked with a good number of people throughout my career, it’s not too surprising that I get a lot of requests to be a reference from people that have worked for me. What I have learned is that all reference requests are NOT created equal. I’ll explain what I mean, and at the end, I’ll give you some tips on how to request a reference in a thoughtful way, that respects the time of others AND increases your chances of getting a strong reference.
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