A few weeks back, I got pulled over for speeding. It was especially frustrating because I had driven the same stretch of road only hours before, and knew that they had a speed trap set. But, on my way back, in a hurry to pick up kids and get them to activities, well…you know how it goes.
When I got pulled over, my instant reaction was anger. I was running late already, and this was NOT helping. But then I thought about it for a minute and wondered…who am I mad at? The police for doing their jobs? Clearly I couldn’t be mad at them. Or was I mad at myself for being careless? In that moment I made a choice to just accept what happened, be as courteous and efficient as possible, and move on. I decided I didn’t want to waste a bunch of extra energy on the situation, and the best course of action for ME was just to just take the ticket and let the rest go (and drive a little bit more slowly in the future).
Who’s to blame anyway?
In this case, it was relatively easy not to blame anyone, because there really was no one TO blame except myself. But what about in cases where the situation is more nuanced? How often, when someone says something upsetting, or questions your judgment at work, or gives you an answer you don’t like, do you become angry and start blaming others? It’s a natural reaction, but I am here to tell you that it really never serves you.
Let’s say I had gotten angry as I was sitting there on the side of the road. What would have happened? I could have been rude to the officer, but what would that have accomplished? I could have sat there berating myself for being stupid and not following the speed limit, but again, to what end? I could have argued with the officer and made excuses. But….well, you get the point.
Get curious, not furious
If you can work to override your initial reactions of anger and blame, and either try to get curious about another perspective, keep yourself calm and accept what is, or take another path of less resistance, odds are you’ll get closer to the outcome you want. That’s being Thoughtfully Fit.
I often find that when I feel most defensive and likely to blame others is when there is something about my own behavior that I don’t like. So, rather than focus on others, whose behavior we don’t control, instead focus on controlling your own behavior and responses.
Pause–Think–Act for more energy
As I have worked more on pausing and thinking before acting, I find I waste a lot less energy on anger, blame, and judgement. We all have limited amounts of emotional energy, so I like to be careful about where I spend mine. When I choose not to waste it on situations that will in no way be influenced by my outrage, I have more of it left for the good stuff like coaching, parenting, and self care. So protect your energy, and let the blame go.
