Have you ever sat in a meeting with your chest tight, heart racing, and wondered, Should I say this out loud? I know I have. More times than I can count, I’ve held something inside because I didn’t want to look weak or emotional. I’ve swallowed tears, plastered on a steady face, and told myself, “Hold it together.” On the surface, it looked like strength. Inside, it felt like disconnection.
That’s the vulnerability dilemma, the tug between wanting to be real and wanting to be safe. The pull between what we know builds connection, and what our instincts tell us might backfire. And the truth is, the fear never really goes away.
The Fear That Never Fully Leaves
I wish I could tell you that, after years of coaching leaders, speaking on stages, and leading my own team, vulnerability has become easy for me. It hasn’t. Every new situation, whether it’s a tough conversation with someone I deeply respect or opening up about my own mistakes, feels like rappelling down a mountain.
And yet, I’ve also never regretted choosing it. When I’ve risked letting the tears come, or admitted I was scared, or said the thing I’d been holding back, the result has always been more connection, not less. Still, I find myself hesitating each time, as if all the proof in the world isn’t enough to silence that protective little voice that says, Don’t go there. You’ll regret it.
Why Avoidance Feels Safer Than Vulnerability (But Isn’t)
Avoidance has its appeal. It feels like control. If I keep the guard up, no one can misinterpret me. No one can judge me. But the cost of that safety net is distance. People may perceive competence, but they don’t feel a sense of closeness. They may respect the work, but they don’t trust the person.
It’s a bit like skipping the hard workout. In the moment, you feel relieved. Phew, I don’t have to sweat it out today. But over time, if you keep skipping those workouts, you lose strength, and when the real test comes, you don’t have the endurance to carry you through. Vulnerability is similar. If we don’t exercise it, we can’t expect it to show up when the stakes are high.
Moments That Shift Team Dynamics
I’ll never forget the times I’ve seen a leader finally let themselves be real. Sometimes it’s admitting they don’t have all the answers. Sometimes it’s sharing the weight of a loss. Sometimes it’s showing emotion in front of employees who’ve never seen them crack before.
In those moments, the room changes. Shoulders soften. Eyes meet. People stop waiting for the “right” answer and start leaning in with empathy and ideas. Vulnerability doesn’t weaken trust. It multiplies it. Those are the moments when a group becomes more than a collection of individuals. They start moving as a team.
Making Vulnerability a Habit
The challenge is that vulnerability isn’t a one-and-done. It’s not the dramatic speech at the retreat or the single “real” conversation in a year of polished updates. It’s a practice and requires a consistent effort. The more often you use it, the stronger it gets.
That might mean admitting to your team during a project update that you’re worried about the pace. It might mean naming when you’re discouraged instead of pretending you’re fine. It might mean showing gratitude in a way that feels uncomfortable because it’s different from business as usual. These are the small, everyday moments that build a culture of trust and team cohesion. And yes, as Brené Brown says, vulnerability needs to come with boundaries, but you need to start somewhere.
Stepping into the Vulnerability Dilemma
So here’s what I’ve learned: the fear never fully goes away. Whether you are choosing to be vulnerable or clip in to that belay, you’ll always feel that hesitation, that squeeze in your chest, that voice saying, play it safe. But the choice is what matters.
That’s the vulnerability dilemma: your body resists, your mind hesitates, but the moment you start to rappel, you remember what courage feels like. That rush is what leads teams to pull closer.
What is the vulnerability dilemma in leadership?
The vulnerability dilemma is the inner conflict between wanting to be real and wanting to stay safe. Leaders know that honesty builds trust and connection, yet their instincts often push them to hold back out of fear for appearing weak.
Why is vulnerability so hard at work?
Vulnerability feels risky because it can trigger fear of judgment, rejection, or loss of control. Even experienced leaders describe it like preparing for a new rock climbing adventure… You never stop feeling the nerves before you start. You have to do it right.
Does showing vulnerability make leaders look weak?
No. While hiding emotions may appear to be a sign of strength, it often creates distance. Vulnerability builds closeness, trust, and team cohesion. Teams respond more positively to authenticity than to a polished façade.
How does vulnerability improve team dynamics?
When a leader admits they don’t have all the answers or shows emotion, the tone in the room shifts. People relax, open up, and start contributing more honestly. Vulnerability doesn’t erode trust. It multiplies it and helps form high-performing teams.
Can vulnerability be practiced like a skill?
Yes. Vulnerability is like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Small, everyday acts, such as admitting discouragement, showing gratitude, or expressing concerns, build organizational culture and team cohesion over time.
How can leaders strike a balance between vulnerability and professionalism?
Boundaries matter. Vulnerability doesn’t mean oversharing every fear or frustration. It means choosing the moments that build connection and trust while staying grounded in purpose and responsibility.
Looking for more information about leadership development? Be sure to check out: The Ultimate Guide to Leadership Development.
