Darcy Luoma Coaching and Consulting

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Never feed them after midnight!

Take control of your day to take control of your life BLOG

 

Do you remember the 80s movie Gremlins? There were a bunch of rules to help keep these monsters under control, one of which was ‘never EVER feed them after midnight’. As you may recall, someone did and, in typical 80’s movie fashion, havoc ensued. While you might be able to stay sane through a midnight snack, we all have scheduling issues that can make our lives better or worse.

Don’t forget – you can set boundaries

In order to keep havoc to a minimum, know that it’s okay to schedule boundaries. This can help you maintain a schedule that works for YOU, and protect time for the things you love.

I was at a meeting last week and a committee chair was complaining that people were showing up late to a monthly conference call. One woman bravely raised her hand and said ‘The calls are scheduled for 8:30, and that is exactly when I am dropping my daughter off at school. If we could start the call at 8:45 I could always be on time.’ People were happy to accommodate her – and as an added bonus, they actually decided the call could still end at the same time, saving everyone 15 minutes!

Take control of your day to take control of your life

I also worked with an executive coaching client a couple of years ago who said she had a hard time with the fact that her day always seemed to start and end with meetings. She functioned much better throughout the day if she had an hour to get centered and organized at the beginning and end of each day. So she put it on her calendar! She communicated this clearly to her staff that this time was off limits, and in this way she was able to take more control of her day at the office.

In general, being clear with your workplace about when you are and are not available, either in person, via text or email, can really help you create a schedule that works for you. It’s okay to do this at home as well! I tell my girls that when I am working I won’t respond to texts or calls that aren’t an emergency. And since I work from home, there are also clear boundaries and rules for when I am in my home office, most of which center on the idea ‘pretend I’m not here’.

At work you could also schedule office hours, meeting-free days, planned walking breaks, and other things to help you make the most of your days. At home, a lot of our boundaries revolve around limits on technology and consistent routines both morning and night.

You get what you tolerate

Are there boundaries that you could set in your schedule that would make your life work better for YOU? Well, speak up! You are the one who knows what you need, so don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Okay, gotta run. Off to have a midnight snack!

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Learning to Consciously Respond

Coach's Corner with Michelle Hanke (1)

By Michelle Hanke, DLCC Coach

Heart pounds through chest. Hot, oh so hot. A force rushes through – up the back, neck, shoulders, face. Anger. Must protect! Must defend! Words spew forth. Trembling. Stomp away.

For many of us, this is what “reacting” looks like. Someone’s words or actions blindside us and we find ourselves feeling disrespected, threatened, or judged, so we throw back something that seemingly addresses the issue. But, the truth of it is (and we’ve all learned this the hard way), it rarely does. When we react like this, the issue often worsens, or we wind up self-sabotaging our actual intentions.

It was just yesterday that I met with a client about this very challenge: how to consciously respond instead of impulsively react. Her words: “Yeah, I get it. But seriously, how do I actually do it?” She’s right. That’s the hard part. Here are a few ideas to get started.

Suggest a Moment.

It can be as awkward as heck, but it’s worth it. Ask for a moment’s pause so that you can breathe, create space for yourself, and get your head on straight. You might try: I’m feeling surprised or distracted and want to be able to focus better. Can I have a minute to (take a walk, use the restroom, sit quietly), and then we can talk? Pausing allows us to get grounded and course correct away from any reckless default behaviors that might be surfacing.

Step into your Inner Adult.

Be aware of what part of you is feeling the emotions at the moment. An inner Critical Parent, perhaps? Or an inner Criticized Child? Chances are, neither of those “parts” are going to help in this circumstance. Stand up straight and notice the shift as you instead step into your inner Rational Adult so that you can have a non-threatening, reasonable conversation.

Go to the Heart.

Take your brain to your heart. Sound silly? I know, it sort of does. Scientists studying the heart are finding that it has an intelligence that especially affects the brain centers involved in emotional experiences and self-regulation. So, try it. At the moment of conflict, diffuse your energy, and instead imagine yourself powering up from your heart. How does this affect your composure? Your empathy for the other person? Your intentions?

Download our FREE resource 7 Apps, 7 Books and 7 Life Hacks for to make positive change:

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How DO you get out of Dodge, anyway?

How DO you get out of Dodge, anyway- BLOG

If only controlling your own energy and behavior was all it took to live a Thoughtfully Fit life! However, our lives are filled with other people who may have different ideas about how today is going to go.

Does your day ever feel like a game of dodgeball, where all day long things come at you? And even though you know the balls are coming, you never quite know when, or where, or from whom, or at what intensity. When they come, you have a couple of choices. You can spend your whole day diving to the ground and praying that no one else throws a ball at you, OR you can catch the balls. And then it’s up to you whether to call a cease-fire, or throw it back at them. Or get the hell outta Dodge!

This month we’re focusing on AGILITY which is the final external practice of Thoughtfully Fit.

 

TF Graphic_Callout Agility

If you do not pause and think before acting, what happens is that you REACT to whatever the other person is doing. You get defensive. You match anger with anger. But agility is about slowing things down, so you can RESPOND instead. You catch the ball, and gently toss it back (even though you might really want to hit someone in the head with it).

When I worked in Senator Kohl’s office, we had a number of interns who were responsible for answering the phones. We would get calls from constituents on all kinds of topics. Providing excellent customer service was one of Senator Kohl’s top priorities, so we always set out to hire capable and compassionate staff. There were times, though, when we had particularly challenging calls from angry constituents who wanted someone to blame for their troubles.

I would be sitting in my office and I would hear my otherwise kind, competent intern get louder, and then more angry. And every time this happened, it was because they let the other person’s frustration become their frustration. There was one time I heard, “Ma’am, that’s a state issue. You’ll need to contact the state office…. Calm down! Because it’s a state issue….  It’s not a federal issue. Can I give you the number for the state office?” He was getting louder…and louder…

Don’t get swept up in the current

He was getting swept up in the current. We’ve all been there right? Someone is angry. We get defensive. In our attempt to set the record straight, the other person gets more adamant about their position. Now YOU are frustrated and angry. Which gets the other person more frustrated, and around and around you go. Situations like this require agility. You have to be able to work against that current instead of getting swept up. [Read more…]

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Step away from the car and put your blame in the air

Step away from the car and put your blame in the air BLOG

A few weeks back, I got pulled over for speeding. It was especially frustrating because I had driven the same stretch of road only hours before, and knew that they had a speed trap set. But, on my way back, in a hurry to pick up kids and get them to activities, well…you know how it goes.

When I got pulled over, my instant reaction was anger. I was running late already, and this was NOT helping. But then I thought about it for a minute and wondered…who am I mad at? The police for doing their jobs? Clearly I couldn’t be mad at them. Or was I mad at myself for being careless? In that moment I made a choice to just accept what happened, be as courteous and efficient as possible, and move on. I decided I didn’t want to waste a bunch of extra energy on the situation, and the best course of action for ME was just to just take the ticket and let the rest go (and drive a little bit more slowly in the future). [Read more…]

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No talking, but do you have time to listen?

Do you have time to listen?

 

The other day, while in an all day training session, I got a text from my daughter (after noticing two missed calls from her) that said ‘Answer my call. PLZ.’ I replied ‘Ok. I am in a session so can’t talk.’ Her reply? ‘Oh ok can u listen?’

Text Screenshot Blog Can you Listen

Now, in her case it was probably that she had an extremely urgent question about missing shoes or potential social engagements that she needed to talk to me about RIGHT NOW, but it occurred to me that so often when we ask someone to talk, what we really need is for them to listen.

Unfortunately, in general we are not very good at listening. We spend a lot of time talking, and thinking about what we might say next, and paying half attention. But the amount of time we spend listening fully to others is pretty small. I train on active listening and have people try to listen to another person’s story while texting. The result for the talker is that they do not feel heard or valued, and usually the result for the listener is that they have NO idea what they just heard. Active listening requires you to devote all of your attention to the person talking, and really try to understand their message. [Read more…]