Darcy Luoma Coaching and Consulting

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Vulnerability at Work: Liability or Asset?

You might be more connected to the world than ever, with your ever-present phone, social media feeds, and access to a bazillion YouTube videos. 

But how well are you connecting with people around you? 

In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown says, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

It’s not about looking at pictures of people on a screen, it’s sharing with them in real-time, and letting them do the same. Connection requires us to be open about how we’re feeling, as well as to listen and make the other person feel heard. [Read more…]

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Read the Room

As a consultant, reading the room is really important. If I am at a team retreat and notice that everyone is walking in and sitting far away from each other with their arms crossed, I know I’m going to earn my paycheck that day. But if everyone is walking in joking around with a cup of coffee and a smile? My job is going to be much easier!

One of the most important skills for being a leader is to be able to understand what’s happening beneath the surface and help it rise to the top in a productive way.  [Read more…]

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Build Your Thoughtfully Fit Core

I believe that Thoughtfully Fit can make your life easier, and that’s why I try to help people understand how to practice it. Because who doesn’t want an easier life? And while I know that it can be overwhelming to think about all the pieces of Thoughtfully Fit at one time, a lot of what you need most is in the core.

The core of Thoughtfully Fit is just three steps: Pause. Think. Act. It’s a simple enough concept, though definitely not easy in practice. However, if you can remember these three steps, and practice doing them in that order, you’ll be on your way to being Thoughtfully Fit. And when you’re thoughtful in every situation, you won’t have to go back and clean up the mess from overreacting. Trust me, it’s easier to get it right the first time.

Building Emotional Intelligence

At its heart, the core is really about emotional intelligence. When you take time to Pause and Think, you’re building your self-awareness. You will better understand your own emotions, pay closer attention to your behavior, and get curious about the impact you’re having on others.

From there, you can move on to self-management, which allows you to have greater control over your behavior, and Act more thoughtfully. 

Emotional intelligence helps you be a better leader, as well as a better colleague, parent, friend and spouse. Building your core allows you to move through the world with greater intention and (ideally) fewer missteps.

Pause.

Think of the pause as a stop sign. You just need a little time to stop, take a look around, and assess the situation before moving forward. In conversations, the pause is generally short, or else things can get super awkward. If someone says something that gets you a little triggered, the pause can just be a breath, or a couple of words that will buy you enough time to gather yourself even a tiny bit. Phrases like “Interesting. Let me take a minute to think about that.” can put a little space in without you just sitting there staring. I also use “Say more”, which puts the ball back in their court for a minute, and might get you a little clarity along with a few seconds to gather your thoughts.

In cases where you’re making a decision or working through a complicated relationship, the pause can be longer. Give yourself permission not to make a snap judgment; take time and make space to find a more thoughtful way forward.

Think.

Once you’ve paused, this is time to ask yourself thoughtful questions and create new awareness. If you are just pausing briefly, it’s a good time to check in on your emotions, and try to identify what you need in this moment. Might also be a good idea to ask yourself if you’re about to say something you’ll need to apologize for later. (Pro tip: If the answer is yes, try to think of something else to say.)

If you are able to take a longer pause, you may want to ask questions like ‘What are my choices here?’ or ‘What outcome am I looking for?’ This is a great way to assess whether a particular course of action is likely to get you closer to those outcomes or not. If the answer is not really, then it’s time for even more thinking on alternatives.

Act.

Just like you don’t sit at a stop sign forever, you aren’t meant to Pause and Think forever either! Armed with your new self-awareness, you’re ready to Act. The goal is to act with intention. This is the self-management part of the equation; consider whether your first reaction is your best one, and try to act in a way that will help you move towards your goal.

Practice Makes Progress

Remember, no one gets it right all the time. I recommend practicing in low-stakes low-stress situations, so you’re ready when the bigger stuff comes at you. Just like building your physical core gives you a strong foundation that makes moving easier, building your Thoughtfully Fit core will make life easier. 

Less apologizing, less drama, less energy wasted on things you can’t control. And when you get it wrong, no worries. Just try again next time! 

Practice makes progress.

 

Download our FREE three-part video series, Getting Through Crisis with Thoughtfully Fit, and start your journey to being more intentional and bringing your best self to every situation!

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There’s Always Time to Hit Pause

Ever since I got back from vacation I feel like life has been in fast forward. I was trying to catch up on email, get ready for our new leadership series, and manage a busy client schedule. On top of that, we had to get back to school and get the girls into a new routine, which comes with lots of forms, carpooling, and meetings. I feel like I haven’t even tapped the brakes, let alone come to a complete stop, in weeks. 

But the other day at Target I missed a chance to pause, and I regret it. It was a great reminder that even when life feels crazy we have time to take a minute and be a more thoughtful human. Check out the video to hear about my not so thoughtful moment!

It’s great to remember that other people around you are feeling stressed too. So I try not to be too busy to help. The moment will come when you need help in return, so go ahead and build up some goodwill. Make someone’s day by taking time to congratulate them on a job well done. Make a presentation for your colleague whose kid fell prey to the back to school cold, or pause your own work to help set up for an event or help a co-worker meet a tough deadline.

These thoughtful pauses can make all the difference!

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Got a backpack full of monkeys?

Your colleague walks into your office complaining that they haven’t been able to get the feedback they need from the rest of the team and are in danger of missing a deadline. Before you know it, you have agreed to send a message reminding everyone to get their feedback in and promise to notify your colleague when you’ve heard back from everyone. 

Look at you, problem solver. Getting things done!

Except now you’ll spend lots of time that you need for your own work solving someone else’s problem. Oops.

The Problem With Being a Problem Solver

This used to be me all the time, every day. When I first started managing Senator Kohl’s office, I was in charge of a staff for the first time ever. I wanted to make sure I seemed like I knew what I was doing, so I committed myself to being the Chief Problem Solver.

The challenge is that Senators’ offices are really nothing but problems that need solving. So, eventually, I was trying to do my job and all the hardest parts of everyone else’s.

And then I read an article that totally clicked for me. Along with the coach training I was doing, it helped change my behavior. In fact, I found it so useful that I am still using it when teaching 20 years later! I noticed that it has been resonating with a lot of people recently, so I wanted to share it with you.

No More Monkeys

The article is Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?. I’m not its only fan; it was originally published in 1974 and then appeared as a favorite classic reprinted in 1999. It’s a really good article.

While it’s definitely worth your time to read the whole thing, I’ll give you a partial Cliff’s notes version. In the discussion of time management, it focuses on why managers never seem to have enough time, while their team doesn’t have enough work. 

Why is this? If we envision problems as monkeys, what happens is that people tell their managers about a problem, and the manager agrees to help, or at least to think it over and follow up. And now? The monkey is transferred to the manager’s back.

If you keep this up, eventually your office will be a zoo, and you’ll have no time to focus on what’s important. 

Send Those Monkeys Back

How do you keep from taking on everyone else’s problems? The article has some suggestions, but if you ask me it really comes down to using coaching. Rather than jumping in to fix and solve, ask your colleague some questions to help them get closer to figuring it out on their own. Hold them as the expert.

In the Senator’s office, I started telling people that if they brought me a problem, they also needed to bring a few ideas about how to solve it. Then we could spend time discussing solutions, and they could leave with a good idea about how to proceed (but with the monkey still firmly planted on their back, not mine!).

What I noticed is that after a while, my staff understood that I wasn’t going to take all the monkeys off their back, so they stopped trying. They got better at identifying solutions and moving things forward. They chose the solutions and came to me for a final okay, rather than at the beginning when everything was still a mess. Not only did I have more time, but I had empowered, engaged employees! AND the solutions were better.

Next time someone walks into your office with a monkey on their back, don’t take it, no matter how tempting it is! 

Leave the ball in their court and the monkey on their back. If they are used to you being a fixer they might push back. But if you stay curious and encouraging, you can be helpful without ending up with an office full of monkeys.

 

Download our FREE three-part video series, Getting Through Crisis with Thoughtfully Fit, and start your journey to being more intentional and bringing your best self to every situation!

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