Darcy Luoma Coaching and Consulting

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There’s Always Time to Hit Pause

Ever since I got back from vacation I feel like life has been in fast forward. I was trying to catch up on email, get ready for our new leadership series, and manage a busy client schedule. On top of that, we had to get back to school and get the girls into a new routine, which comes with lots of forms, carpooling, and meetings. I feel like I haven’t even tapped the brakes, let alone come to a complete stop, in weeks. 

But the other day at Target I missed a chance to pause, and I regret it. It was a great reminder that even when life feels crazy we have time to take a minute and be a more thoughtful human. Check out the video to hear about my not so thoughtful moment!

It’s great to remember that other people around you are feeling stressed too. So I try not to be too busy to help. The moment will come when you need help in return, so go ahead and build up some goodwill. Make someone’s day by taking time to congratulate them on a job well done. Make a presentation for your colleague whose kid fell prey to the back to school cold, or pause your own work to help set up for an event or help a co-worker meet a tough deadline.

These thoughtful pauses can make all the difference!

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Got a backpack full of monkeys?

Your colleague walks into your office complaining that they haven’t been able to get the feedback they need from the rest of the team and are in danger of missing a deadline. Before you know it, you have agreed to send a message reminding everyone to get their feedback in and promise to notify your colleague when you’ve heard back from everyone. 

Look at you, problem solver. Getting things done!

Except now you’ll spend lots of time that you need for your own work solving someone else’s problem. Oops.

The Problem With Being a Problem Solver

This used to be me all the time, every day. When I first started managing Senator Kohl’s office, I was in charge of a staff for the first time ever. I wanted to make sure I seemed like I knew what I was doing, so I committed myself to being the Chief Problem Solver.

The challenge is that Senators’ offices are really nothing but problems that need solving. So, eventually, I was trying to do my job and all the hardest parts of everyone else’s.

And then I read an article that totally clicked for me. Along with the coach training I was doing, it helped change my behavior. In fact, I found it so useful that I am still using it when teaching 20 years later! I noticed that it has been resonating with a lot of people recently, so I wanted to share it with you.

No More Monkeys

The article is Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?. I’m not its only fan; it was originally published in 1974 and then appeared as a favorite classic reprinted in 1999. It’s a really good article.

While it’s definitely worth your time to read the whole thing, I’ll give you a partial Cliff’s notes version. In the discussion of time management, it focuses on why managers never seem to have enough time, while their team doesn’t have enough work. 

Why is this? If we envision problems as monkeys, what happens is that people tell their managers about a problem, and the manager agrees to help, or at least to think it over and follow up. And now? The monkey is transferred to the manager’s back.

If you keep this up, eventually your office will be a zoo, and you’ll have no time to focus on what’s important. 

Send Those Monkeys Back

How do you keep from taking on everyone else’s problems? The article has some suggestions, but if you ask me it really comes down to using coaching. Rather than jumping in to fix and solve, ask your colleague some questions to help them get closer to figuring it out on their own. Hold them as the expert.

In the Senator’s office, I started telling people that if they brought me a problem, they also needed to bring a few ideas about how to solve it. Then we could spend time discussing solutions, and they could leave with a good idea about how to proceed (but with the monkey still firmly planted on their back, not mine!).

What I noticed is that after a while, my staff understood that I wasn’t going to take all the monkeys off their back, so they stopped trying. They got better at identifying solutions and moving things forward. They chose the solutions and came to me for a final okay, rather than at the beginning when everything was still a mess. Not only did I have more time, but I had empowered, engaged employees! AND the solutions were better.

Next time someone walks into your office with a monkey on their back, don’t take it, no matter how tempting it is! 

Leave the ball in their court and the monkey on their back. If they are used to you being a fixer they might push back. But if you stay curious and encouraging, you can be helpful without ending up with an office full of monkeys.

 

Download our FREE three-part video series, Getting Through Crisis with Thoughtfully Fit, and start your journey to being more intentional and bringing your best self to every situation!

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Back to School? Just Say No.

As a people pleaser, I know a few things about saying yes too much. I want to be helpful, and so I appreciate being asked. I also like doing lots of things! But eventually, I got to the point where it was beyond too much. That’s when I started learning how to say no nicely, and my life took a turn for the better.

You might have heard: ‘No is a complete sentence.’ This is true. You are allowed to say no without justifying. However, it turns out people aren’t all that happy when you just say no. And if it’s your boss who’s asking? Well, you might need to follow that up with a few more words if you want to hold on to that job.

Fall is a great time to practice, as school and work ramp back up after summer. If you feel like you are being bombarded with requests and you’re watching any hope of free time disappear, then now is the time to say no. 

And if you struggle with it—like I used to—let me provide a few pointers that might help!

Soften the Blow

If you want to deliver a firm no with soft edges, try one of these. 

  • Not this. If you’re being asked to join a larger endeavor or something long-term like a committee, maybe there is a smaller way you can contribute. Offer to volunteer at their next event, or even make a small financial contribution instead. This lets them know that you value the work being done, even if you can’t commit fully.

  • Not now. Too busy? It’s okay to tell people that! Just let them know that what they are asking for can’t fit in your schedule at the moment, but you’d like to reconnect down the road. If it is something you really want to do but just don’t have time for, then think about how you can work it in at a later date by saying no to other things instead.

  • Not me. Don’t think you’re the best person for the request? Politely decline, but recommend someone else who might be a better fit. Just be sure not to send them your other people-pleasing, yes-woman friends. They need your help saving them from themselves!

Stay Honest and Brief 

It’s okay to say no, I promise (as I learned, it’s not a four-letter word!). Perhaps at work what gets assigned to you is really not up for discussion, which means you’ll need to be extra careful about what else you take on. Or you may want to ask your boss what other projects might be reprioritized to make space for this new assignment.

You can be honest with people and simply say ‘I’d love to, but I just can’t right now.’ I’m continually amazed how easily people accept this answer; turns out lots of people are expecting you to say no! And they appreciate the candor, instead of you overcommitting and under-delivering.

No need to lie or make up excuses, just bow out and offer one of the short and sweet alternatives above. If you went to school in the 1980s, you know a thing or two about just saying no. Now’s the time to make it work for you!

 

Download our FREE three-part video series, Getting Through Crisis with Thoughtfully Fit, and start your journey to being more intentional and bringing your best self to every situation!

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Our Top Posts from 2018

I hope you are having a wonderful holiday! Josie, Jadyn and I are chillin’ out and loving the relaxed pace of vacation.

As I get ready to record my last Thoughtfully Fit Thursday of the year, I decided to take a look back at where we’ve been in 2018. I absolutely love having the opportunity to share with you on a weekly basis, and I hope that you’ve seen or read something that made a difference for you.

Below you’ll find a list of our top five posts and videos from the past year, just in case you missed them.

If you have topics you’d like me to talk about in 2019, I’d love to hear from you!

I am looking forward to another year filled with great content, embarrassing stories, and more learning (for both you and me). See you next year!

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