I can’t tell you how many times I am on a coaching call, ask the client a question, and they say ‘huh! No one has ever asked me that before!’ For all the talking that we do, in general we do not ask enough questions.
The drive to fix, solve, give advice, or talk about your own experience almost always wins over curiosity and questions. And while there’s a time and place for all of those, questions can really help us access new awareness, get creative, understand the root of problems, and more.
Below are a few questions I use all the time, and I think they are also great if you are trying to coach yourself through a tough situation, work on life transitions, get unstuck, or anything else that’s giving you a hard time. However, as we talked about last week, I understand that it might be hard to take yourself seriously when asking them, or even harder to know how to answer! So here are a few tips to help you get started with three of my most used questions.
Where are you stuck?
I love this one! But I know it’s not just something people walk around asking each other. The goal of this question is to help you identify obstacles. It might be easier to ask ‘What’s getting in the way?’ If someone says, I wish I could go on a vacation, you might say, ‘What is stopping you?’ If you are constantly complaining that you want a new job, the question might be ‘What’s holding you back?’ These get to the same root issue as ‘Where are you stuck’, but might feel less like you are playing the role of life coach. The key is to be present and curious, and the right question will come.
What is possible?
This is a great one to follow up ‘What’s getting in your way’ as it can get you thinking about how to move past the obstacles you just identified. One of the simplest translations here is ‘What are the options?’ Or you can help people play things out by asking ‘What’s the best/worst that could happen?’ It’s important that you don’t only focus on the worst thing that could happen, as it’s the good things that will allow you to see a path forward.
What support do you need?
This is a great next step in the chain. Once you have identified ways around your obstacle, you may realize that you can’t quite do it alone. I use this one a lot with my kids, and I usually ask ‘What do you need to make that happen?’ Note that this is not the same as ‘What do you need FROM ME’ which implies that you have some role to play in the solution. You could also use ‘What could help make this happen’, which keeps things focused on moving the ball down the field.
It doesn’t have to be Greek
I get that it can feel strange to sit down with a friend or colleague and ask ‘What’s hard about this?’ It almost feels like you should be talking in a breathy voice with a look of deep concern on your face. And while I promise you that is not what happens in a coaching session, until you get used to asking these kinds of thoughtful questions, it can feel a little foreign.
The important thing is that you ask questions, so don’t worry too much about what they are. Just commit to getting curious and open to any answer you might hear!
