When Letting Good Things IN Might Mean Keeping Other Things OUT

by | Apr 9, 2018

Darcy Luoma is one of America’s most highly credentialed coaches. She’s worked in 48 industries, with more than 500 organizations, and has impacted tens of thousands of leaders and employees.

Last week we talked about coaching yourself to more. But even if you’re getting more of a good thing, we still can’t just keep adding things to our lives. So, making space for more also means getting rid of things that don’t bring you joy. A great first step is to set healthy boundaries, and then let others know.

Brené Brown’s research shows that the most compassionate people are the most boundaried. When I first read this, I didn’t understand what she meant by that! Among other things, as a recovering codependent, I didn’t see any compassion in saying no or setting firm boundaries. However, I have seen that when we don’t set healthy boundaries, we often become resentful and negative towards those around us, and there’s no compassion in that.

I have started to set more personal boundaries, mostly around my time, to preserve my own sanity and to help me be a better version of myself. This helps both in my personal life and in my work, because when I do say yes, I am ready to work hard and have fun.

Unfortunately, one of your boundaries can’t be deciding not to show up to work, but here are a couple ways you can protect your peace, and avoid resentment:

    • Remember that boundaries do NOT mean controlling others. Setting boundaries does not mean you can tell everyone else how they should act. They should be about your own needs and behavior.
    • If you want boundaries respected, communicate them clearly. Just like we all know the rules of a game, it is important that others clearly understand your boundary. Let’s say there is an expectation at your office that you work at night, but for you that is taking away family time. Clearly communicate your boundary: ‘It’s important to me to get quality time with my kids at the end of the day, so I won’t be available online in the evenings.’ Note that you aren’t telling anyone else what they can do, you are just setting clear expectations for your own behavior.
    • It’s okay to say no. This is the hardest part for me, as I am a lifelong people-pleaser. However, if you are just going to resent saying yes, it’s kinder to everyone around you to say no in the first place.
    • Get clear on the consequences for crossing your boundaries. It’s important to know how you want to react when others choose not to respect your boundaries. Think about how you can engage with compassion instead of anger, and remind them about why this is important to you.

Where do you need to set some boundaries in order to live a life you love?

Just in case the boundaries aren’t working, check back next week where we’ll explore the key components of addressing conflict in a healthy way.

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